I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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