just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
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