I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
