my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
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