grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Randomize
