I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
