Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
