Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
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