So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
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