the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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