I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
