The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
