i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize