Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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