There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize