My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
