so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
