If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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