I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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