eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
you didnt know i had herpes?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
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