i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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