the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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