i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
