Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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