if only i could text you this smell
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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