I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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