I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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