I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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