So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
birth control should be required to get into college
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
