The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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