who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
