He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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