I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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