Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
