my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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