She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
