so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
The beer is more important than you right now.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
