i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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