I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
