U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
