I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
