Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
