I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
