I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
