It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
