It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
