he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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