If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
