somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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