my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
