The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
