dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
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