He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize