life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
