if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
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