I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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