I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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