where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
