i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I could fuck to npr.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize