I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
