your thong is hanging out like whoa
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
did you just send me my own nude
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
